Building a Connection with a Woman

To have sex with a girl, you don’t necessarily need to have a deep connection with her, you can keep things on the surface.  However, if you want to find a girlfriend and have a long-term relationship, connecting with her will be absolutely essential.

Introduction to the Iceberg

The surface: ‘small percentage that is visible to everyone’.

The way to go beyond what is visible on the surface is to build connections. In order to dig deeper than the surface level there are two things required to make a connection – Comfort and Intent.

It may seem straightforward, but it is tricky to gain a high level understanding of both sides of it. If there is an uneven balance between the two you can end up in the following situations :

Too Much Comfort

This is often the scenario associated with the ‘nice guy finishing last’ in the friends zone. According to a recent study by a Dr. Robert Glover this happens due to a lack of sexual intent, and isn’t because women prefer arseholes to nice guys – they prefer polite and attentive over rude and aggressive – but because of the way nice guys present their positive characteristics. In order to appear friendly and romantic these nice guys feel they have to turn off their sexuality. By hiding your intent you end up in the friend’s zone, which is fine if that’s where you want to be, but in a lot of cases guys weren’t hoping for that and end up wondering how they got there.

Too Much Intent

This is a situation which is not stereotyped, unlike the ‘nice guy’, and results when there is too much intent and not enough comfort, leading to an imbalance between the two. This imbalance can mean that although you can get a kiss close in a club or take a girl home, they will likely not be the kind of high quality girl you can have a decent conversation with, and not the kind you’d be looking to start a relationship with. A different predicament to the ‘nice guy’, but ultimately in the same position of not being able to start the dating and relationship life that one desires.


It is important to note that all women require different levels of comfort and intent, and it is vital to be able to learn the art of adapting and balancing this out. But before we get technical what does comfort really mean? How do you get it? Where does it start?

Here I’ve broken it down into three different levels and how to achieve each:

Assumed or Perceived comfort

This is comfort prior to approaching that you are assumed or perceived to have; comfort that everyone can see.

Basic Comfort

This is the comfort that most guys can offer to some degree.

Deep Comfort

Connections: This is what will make her remember you over the others.

In order to build a connection you need to be able to pass smoothly from Perceived comfort, to Basic Comfort all the way to Deep Comfort.

Assumed and Perceived Comfort.

This is comfort prior to approaching that you are assumed or perceived to have. It isn’t always there, but sometimes it is and you can skip other levels of comfort and go straight for intent, but we’ll deal with that later on. For now let’s see how we can use this level of comfort to our advantage.

In order to explain the different levels of comfort prior to approaching I will give you a couple of extreme examples. A woman is likely to feel less comfortable seeing a shadowy figure in an alley way late at night than she would if she walked into McDonalds and saw a clown holding some balloons. Little does she know that the figure in the alley way could turn out to be a police officer, and the clown a prisoner on parole. Now if the woman had known these two pieces of information before seeing either person she would have felt more comfort with the police officer. This is just an example to show how various levels of comfort exist prior to approaching, and that these levels can be manipulated in your favour for game purposes. Now I’ll run through some examples of exact methods on how to generate this influence in your favour.

Social Proof

This is quite a familiar concept to many people and there are many studies that back this concept up. The way in which you transfer social proof into generating maximum perceived comfort is to simply lead situations which create the effect that you have high value, whether in the club or bar, café, coffee shop or even at a bus stop!

Missions to achieve Social Proof.

  1. Go to a bar and order a drink, or tap water, and start talking to the barmen or barmaids, making sure you get a name and a handshake. Now as you walk around the venue the staff will know you, and even serve you ahead of other people, anyone who sees this will naturally regard you as having high value.
  2. Arrange a lunch or dinner with a friend. Prior to attending go to the venue and personally book out the table, getting to know the staff and hopefully even the manager or owner if possible. This is good practice for when you go on a date as when you go into a venue where you know everyone your value automatically increases.

Quick Tip: When social proofing you should not be in the mindset of only approaching and picking up women, you should approach and talk to everyone. Start a conversation with someone nearby to a girl you’re interested in, the move on to talking to her after you’ve first generated social proof. Social proof can be small, but achieved in many places, so think about the situation and how to apply it.


Pre-selection at its simplest for game purposes is the idea that if one woman likes you then others will naturally follow suit and like you too. When you hang around with women you are more likely to be noticed, as other women will naturally be curious as to why other women like you. My experience has led me to believe that other women either think, ‘why are all the hot girls hanging around with you?’ or, ‘why is he hanging around with those girls when we’re better’? Either way you will get noticed and this builds a large amount of perceived comfort.

Missions to achieve Pre-Selection

  1. Discuss the concept of pre-selection with one of your close female friends and see if you can convince her to test it out – effectively turning her into a wing-girl.
  2. Start closing all women, even if they have boyfriends, and start inviting them out as friends.

Quick tip: To maximise the power of pre-selection I often approach women and pre-open by mentioning one of my female friends. For example, ‘Me and my friend Stacey over there were just talking…’ or, ‘I’m sorry I only have a minute I have to get back to my friends over there’, (as I point to my female friends).

Social Commonalities

This is effectively assumed comfort and is the single biggest reason for building up your social circle. Sometimes this level of comfort is achieved by simply being introduced to someone else through your social circle. When a friend introduces another friend you naturally have an inherent level of comfort as she knows who you are, which makes for the perfect pickup situation. If you can build up your social circle then you will find yourself in this enviable situation regularly (building up a social circle will be dealt with later on in the section on Intent).

The assumed comfort derived from social commonalities is not always the result of an introduction through a mutual friend; it can also be through something simple that you both have in common. For example, if two people attend an arts and crafts class twice a week they have a shared level of assumed comfort. The same applies for two people who live in the same apartment building.

Missions to achieve social commonalities

  1. Agree to attend functions that you would not otherwise go to, such as those Facebook invites you’d normally fob off. Getting out there really is the best way to enlarge your social circle and maximise the number of new people you meet, thus potentially leading to more situations where you have assumed comfort with women.
  2. Join a class or start an activity that interests you, such as salsa, street dance, martial arts, etc. This will immediately open up new avenues for you to meet new people, in a situation where you will have that level of assumed comfort.

Quick tip: Don’t try and force social commonalities. If they’re there use them to your advantage; if they aren’t it’s no big deal, just aim to achieve perceived comfort as opposed to assumed comfort. This has the same effect anyway.

In the next article I will move on to discussing Basic Comfort with women covering social and emotional intelligence as well as adding value.

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