Following on from the previous article on building a connection we will now look at generating basic comfort, social and emotional intelligence as well as adding value.
The single biggest criticism that women have of men is that they just don’t listen. However, a lot of men would disagree with this – and it’s not simply a case of right vs. wrong – it’s basically that the majority of men can sometimes lack the ability to generate and convey Basic Comfort. This should be done whilst opening, and throughout the interaction, effectively ensuring that the interaction progresses swiftly towards your intent.
The aim of Basic Comfort is to build a good base upon which your intent can be founded, as you progress onto deep comfort. There are many ways of generating this level of comfort, but it is not necessary to use them all; a combination of two or three is usually enough. Exactly which are used depends upon calibrating according to suit the target and the situation.
As the name implies this is simply applying one’s intelligence in social situations. It is a skill that is best developed with experience. As your game progresses thinking in a socially intelligent way becomes second nature, and part of who you are and how you carry yourself. It starts at a very basic level. For instance, if two women are having a deep conversation it would be better to open softly with, ‘I’m sorry to disturb you but…’ as opposed to the high energy, ‘Hey Guys!’ There are countless examples I could provide of social intelligence being used, but fundamentally it all boils down to three main things:
- Being aware of what is going on with your target as you are about to open, and/or during the interaction
- Being aware of what is going on around you in your surroundings
- Being able to deal with new situations that unfold during your interactions
These three things are the foundation of social intelligence, and if you can truly master these then it will take your game onto the next level.
Mission to achieve Social Intelligence
- Approach and open women directly in situations you are not comfortable with, such as queues, mixed-sets, shops, cafés, etc. This will take you outside of your comfort zone, and force you to think on your feet. Sometimes you will be blown out, but if you keep practising over time you will naturally learn the best way to act and deal with these situations. I soon learned that if you are trying to close a girl who is working it is not a good idea to whip out your phone and ask for her number, as this may land her in trouble. Instead, by being aware of this and asking her to write it down shows social intelligence, as well as leading the interaction towards the outcome I want: her number.
Quick tip: Even if you get your desired outcome from an interaction you should always analyse it to work out what you could have done, how you might have done things differently, and whether you could have done it in a more socially intelligent way to make the interaction smoother. Not only will this help with future interactions with women, but it will also get you thinking on your feet and being more socially intelligent in all interactions, be it with women, at work or in life in general.
This ability comes in two parts: the ability to manage your own emotions; the ability to manage other people’s emotions. In this section I will only deal with the former, as dealing with other people’s emotions will be covered later on in the section on ‘Empathy’.
Firstly, in order to manage your own emotions you have to understand them. The best way to do this is to be end-result focussed. This means that when you approach a woman you have to consider why you do it? What is your end-result? Once you understand your end-result, you can understand your emotions and thus control them. For example, until recently I didn’t use social networking sites, such as Facebook, and in closing a girl who was willing to give me her Facebook details I would react by pressing for a contact number. By doing so I would sometimes put the girl off, even when she had every intention of keeping in touch over Facebook, which would lead to closes flaking. This was due to me not being fully in control of my emotions and not being aware of the end-result I needed – I was more focussed on having a contact number than simply a means to keep in contact.
Mission to achieve Emotional Intelligence
- Always stay focussed on the end-result and the process required in order to achieve it. Similarly to social intelligence this requires practice and experience. If you complete the mission to achieve social intelligence this will help you to achieve emotional intelligence naturally, as you will be more comfortable with who you are, and have a stronger frame to deal with any situation you encounter.
Quick tip: A little while ago I began to like one of my female friends. One night whilst sitting in a club with her I decided to tell her, because it felt right at the time. To my surprise she didn’t like me back, although I was very much in check with my emotional intelligence, and realised that it wasn’t in my interests to question her about why she didn’t. I realised that my end-result of wanting to be with her would not be achieved that night, or through a logical argument, so I simply accepted it for the time being, and carried on having fun with her, my friends and interesting new people in the club. Sometimes it is important to realise that your end-result may not be achieved immediately, but you shouldn’t dwell on any set-backs along the way. A man in check of his emotions who persistently keeps going becomes very attractive.
This is the art of understanding and identifying with the emotions of another person. However, what makes the difference when winning a woman over is the ability to express the fact that you understand.
The best way in which to do this is to break through the ultimate criticism that women have of men – that they, ‘just don’t listen’. By breaking through this pre-conception you demonstrate not only that you listen, but also that you understand; a rare, and hence very attractive, quality amongst men. There are many methods by which to demonstrate empathy, but here I will run through what I consider the two most effective:
This may seem obvious, but many people are unaware of how often they break eye contact as they are too self-absorbed by wondering what routine to run next, or what observational comment to make. As a result a woman feels that you are not listening, and this is only confirmed when the next comment you make is only at best loosely connected to what she has said. Instead it is much better just to listen, instead of thinking what to say next, taking in what she has said and responding through your…
Whilst it is good to respond to what a woman says to you with words, it is better to respond with facial expressions. The reason is that if a woman is talking and you respond by asking her to tell you more, you are still requiring her to pause from talking. However, if she is talking and you respond with facial expressions accordingly she won’t have to stop talking, or her train of thought, and she will feel more strongly that you are a good listener, that you understand, and that she can talk to you.
Missions to achieve Empathy
- Aim to go out and have interactions with women where you focus primarily on having conversations holding eye contact, and responding accordingly through facial expressions. For instance, if she is excited about a concert smile. If she is sad because her dog has died stop smiling and look sad!
Quick tip: If you are struggling to provide the appropriate facial expressions simply mirror the facial expressions of the person you are talking to.
When talking to people they will warm to you much more quickly if you can add value in some way. If someone opened an interaction by handing you a large note from their wallet, naturally you’d want to speak with them further. This isn’t a realistic method of adding value as not everyone has enough cash to do this, plus you wouldn’t want a woman who required money in order to speak to you. However, there are many realistic methods off adding value:
- Networking (merging different groups of people and offering different networking opportunities)
- Providing validation (communicating that other people’s opinions and feelings are acknowledged, heard and treated with respect, whether or not you agree)
Missions to achieve Adding Value:
- Go out and try each of the above forms of adding value. Note that it is not essential to be an expert with them all, just try them out and see which ones you feel comfortable with.
- The above is not a definitive list, just my 5 favourites. See if you can come up with some other ways of adding value.
Quick tip: If you invite out a large group of women it is impossible to have given them all the same level of value, so naturally they will all start competing with each other for you, thus making you more attractive.