Find a Girlfriend

Following on from the previous article on building a connection we will now look at generating basic comfort, social and emotional intelligence as well as adding value.

The single biggest criticism that women have of men is that they just don’t listen. However, a lot of men would disagree with this – and it’s not simply a case of right vs. wrong – it’s basically that the majority of men can sometimes lack the ability to generate and convey Basic Comfort. This should be done whilst opening, and throughout the interaction, effectively ensuring that the interaction progresses swiftly towards your intent.

The aim of Basic Comfort is to build a good base upon which your intent can be founded, as you progress onto deep comfort. There are many ways of generating this level of comfort, but it is not necessary to use them all; a combination of two or three is usually enough. Exactly which are used depends upon calibrating according to suit the target and the situation.

Social Intelligence

As the name implies this is simply applying one’s intelligence in social situations. It is a skill that is best developed with experience. As your game progresses thinking in a socially intelligent way becomes second nature, and part of who you are and how you carry yourself. It starts at a very basic level. For instance, if two women are having a deep conversation it would be better to open softly with, ‘I’m sorry to disturb you but…’ as opposed to the high energy, ‘Hey Guys!’ There are countless examples I could provide of social intelligence being used, but fundamentally it all boils down to three main things:

1. Being aware of what is going on with your target as you are about to open, and/or during the interaction
2. Being aware of what is going on around you in your surroundings
3. Being able to deal with new situations that unfold during your interactions

These three things are the foundation of social intelligence, and if you can truly master these then it will take your game onto the next level.

Mission to achieve Social Intelligence

1. Approach and open women directly in situations you are not comfortable with, such as queues, mixed-sets, shops, cafés, etc. This will take you outside of your comfort zone, and force you to think on your feet. Sometimes you will be blown out, but if you keep practising over time you will naturally learn the best way to act and deal with these situations. I soon learned that if you are trying to close a girl who is working it is not a good idea to whip out your phone and ask for her number, as this may land her in trouble. Instead, by being aware of this and asking her to write it down shows social intelligence, as well as leading the interaction towards the outcome I want: her number.

Quick tip: Even if you get your desired outcome from an interaction you should always analyse it to work out what you could have done, how you might have done things differently, and whether you could have done it in a more socially intelligent way to make the interaction smoother. Not only will this help with future interactions with women, but it will also get you thinking on your feet and being more socially intelligent in all interactions, be it with women, at work or in life in general.

Emotional Intelligence

This ability comes in two parts: the ability to manage your own emotions; the ability to manage other people’s emotions. In this section I will only deal with the former, as dealing with other people’s emotions will be covered later on in the section on ‘Empathy’.

Firstly, in order to manage your own emotions you have to understand them. The best way to do this is to be end-result focussed. This means that when you approach a woman you have to consider why you do it? What is your end-result? Once you understand your end-result, you can understand your emotions and thus control them. For example, until recently I didn’t use social networking sites, such as Facebook, and in closing a girl who was willing to give me her Facebook details I would react by pressing for a contact number. By doing so I would sometimes put the girl off, even when she had every intention of keeping in touch over Facebook, which would lead to closes flaking. This was due to me not being fully in control of my emotions and not being aware of the end-result I needed – I was more focussed on having a contact number than simply a means to keep in contact.

Mission to achieve Emotional Intelligence

1. Always stay focussed on the end-result and the process required in order to achieve it. Similarly to social intelligence this requires practice and experience. If you complete the mission to achieve social intelligence this will help you to achieve emotional intelligence naturally, as you will be more comfortable with who you are, and have a stronger frame to deal with any situation you encounter.

Quick tip: A little while ago I began to like one of my female friends. One night whilst sitting in a club with her I decided to tell her, because it felt right at the time. To my surprise she didn’t like me back, although I was very much in check with my emotional intelligence, and realised that it wasn’t in my interests to question her about why she didn’t. I realised that my end-result of wanting to be with her would not be achieved that night, or through a logical argument, so I simply accepted it for the time being, and carried on having fun with her, my friends and interesting new people in the club. Sometimes it is important to realise that your end-result may not be achieved immediately, but you shouldn’t dwell on any set-backs along the way. A man in check of his emotions who persistently keeps going becomes very attractive.

Empathy

This is the art of understanding and identifying with the emotions of another person. However, what makes the difference when winning a woman over is the ability to express the fact that you understand.

The best way in which to do this is to break through the ultimate criticism that women have of men – that they, ‘just don’t listen’. By breaking through this pre-conception you demonstrate not only that you listen, but also that you understand; a rare, and hence very attractive, quality amongst men. There are many methods by which to demonstrate empathy, but here I will run through what I consider the two most effective:

EYE CONTACT

This may seem obvious, but many people are unaware of how often they break eye contact as they are too self-absorbed by wondering what routine to run next, or what observational comment to make. As a result a woman feels that you are not listening, and this is only confirmed when the next comment you make is only at best loosely connected to what she has said. Instead it is much better just to listen, instead of thinking what to say next, taking in what she has said and responding through your…

FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

Whilst it is good to respond to what a woman says to you with words, it is better to respond with facial expressions. The reason is that if a woman is talking and you respond by asking her to tell you more, you are still requiring her to pause from talking. However, if she is talking and you respond with facial expressions accordingly she won’t have to stop talking, or her train of thought, and she will feel more strongly that you are a good listener, that you understand, and that she can talk to you.

Missions to achieve Empathy

1. Aim to go out and have interactions with women where you focus primarily on having conversations holding eye contact, and responding accordingly through facial expressions. For instance, if she is excited about a concert smile. If she is sad because her dog has died stop smiling and look sad!

Quick tip: If you are struggling to provide the appropriate facial expressions simply mirror the facial expressions of the person you are talking to.

Add Value

When talking to people they will warm to you much more quickly if you can add value in some way. If someone opened an interaction by handing you a large note from their wallet, naturally you’d want to speak with them further. This isn’t a realistic method of adding value as not everyone has enough cash to do this, plus you wouldn’t want a woman who required money in order to speak to you. However, there are many realistic methods off adding value:

• Empathy
• Compliments
• Humour
• Networking (merging different groups of people and offering different networking opportunities)
• Providing validation (communicating that other people’s opinions and feelings are acknowledged, heard and treated with respect, whether or not you agree)

Missions to achieve Adding Value:

1. Go out and try each of the above forms of adding value. Note that it is not essential to be an expert with them all, just try them out and see which ones you feel comfortable with.
2. The above is not a definitive list, just my 5 favourites. See if you can come up with some other ways of adding value.

Quick tip: If you invite out a large group of women it is impossible to have given them all the same level of value, so naturally they will all start competing with each other for you, thus making you more attractive.

To have sex with a girl, you don’t necessarily need to have a deep connection with her, you can keep things on the surface.  However, if you want to find a girlfriend and have a long-term relationship, connecting with her will be absolutely essential.

Introduction to the Iceberg

The surface: ‘small percentage that is visible to everyone’.

The way to go beyond what is visible on the surface is to build connections. In order to dig deeper than the surface level there are two things required to make a connection – Comfort and Intent.

It may seem straightforward, but it is tricky to gain a high level understanding of both sides of it. If there is an uneven balance between the two you can end up in the following situations :

Too Much Comfort

This is often the scenario associated with the ‘nice guy finishing last’ in the friends zone. According to a recent study by a Dr. Robert Glover this happens due to a lack of sexual intent, and isn’t because women prefer arseholes to nice guys – they prefer polite and attentive over rude and aggressive – but because of the way nice guys present their positive characteristics. In order to appear friendly and romantic these nice guys feel they have to turn off their sexuality. By hiding your intent you end up in the friend’s zone, which is fine if that’s where you want to be, but in a lot of cases guys weren’t hoping for that and end up wondering how they got there.

Too Much Intent

This is a situation which is not stereotyped, unlike the ‘nice guy’, and results when there is too much intent and not enough comfort, leading to an imbalance between the two. This imbalance can mean that although you can get a kiss close in a club or take a girl home, they will likely not be the kind of high quality girl you can have a decent conversation with, and not the kind you’d be looking to start a relationship with. A different predicament to the ‘nice guy’, but ultimately in the same position of not being able to start the dating and relationship life that one desires.

Comfort

It is important to note that all women require different levels of comfort and intent, and it is vital to be able to learn the art of adapting and balancing this out. But before we get technical what does comfort really mean? How do you get it? Where does it start?

Here I’ve broken it down into three different levels and how to achieve each:

Assumed or Perceived comfort

This is comfort prior to approaching that you are assumed or perceived to have; comfort that everyone can see.

Basic Comfort

This is the comfort that most guys can offer to some degree.

Deep Comfort

Connections: This is what will make her remember you over the others.

In order to build a connection you need to be able to pass smoothly from Perceived comfort, to Basic Comfort all the way to Deep Comfort.

Assumed and Perceived Comfort.

This is comfort prior to approaching that you are assumed or perceived to have. It isn’t always there, but sometimes it is and you can skip other levels of comfort and go straight for intent, but we’ll deal with that later on. For now let’s see how we can use this level of comfort to our advantage.

In order to explain the different levels of comfort prior to approaching I will give you a couple of extreme examples. A woman is likely to feel less comfortable seeing a shadowy figure in an alley way late at night than she would if she walked into McDonalds and saw a clown holding some balloons. Little does she know that the figure in the alley way could turn out to be a police officer, and the clown a prisoner on parole. Now if the woman had known these two pieces of information before seeing either person she would have felt more comfort with the police officer. This is just an example to show how various levels of comfort exist prior to approaching, and that these levels can be manipulated in your favour for game purposes. Now I’ll run through some examples of exact methods on how to generate this influence in your favour.

Social Proof

This is quite a familiar concept to many people and there are many studies that back this concept up. The way in which you transfer social proof into generating maximum perceived comfort is to simply lead situations which create the effect that you have high value, whether in the club or bar, café, coffee shop or even at a bus stop!

Missions to achieve Social Proof.

1. Go to a bar and order a drink, or tap water, and start talking to the barmen or barmaids, making sure you get a name and a handshake. Now as you walk around the venue the staff will know you, and even serve you ahead of other people, anyone who sees this will naturally regard you as having high value.
2. Arrange a lunch or dinner with a friend. Prior to attending go to the venue and personally book out the table, getting to know the staff and hopefully even the manager or owner if possible. This is good practice for when you go on a date as when you go into a venue where you know everyone your value automatically increases.

Quick Tip: When social proofing you should not be in the mindset of only approaching and picking up women, you should approach and talk to everyone. Start a conversation with someone nearby to a girl you’re interested in, the move on to talking to her after you’ve first generated social proof. Social proof can be small, but achieved in many places, so think about the situation and how to apply it.

Pre-Selection

Pre-selection at its simplest for game purposes is the idea that if one woman likes you then others will naturally follow suit and like you too. When you hang around with women you are more likely to be noticed, as other women will naturally be curious as to why other women like you. My experience has led me to believe that other women either think, ‘why are all the hot girls hanging around with you?’ or, ‘why is he hanging around with those girls when we’re better’? Either way you will get noticed and this builds a large amount of perceived comfort.

Missions to achieve Pre-Selection

1. Discuss the concept of pre-selection with one of your close female friends and see if you can convince her to test it out – effectively turning her into a wing-girl.
2. Start closing all women, even if they have boyfriends, and start inviting them out as friends.

Quick tip: To maximise the power of pre-selection I often approach women and pre-open by mentioning one of my female friends. For example, ‘Me and my friend Stacey over there were just talking…’ or, ‘I’m sorry I only have a minute I have to get back to my friends over there’, (as I point to my female friends).

Social Commonalities

This is effectively assumed comfort and is the single biggest reason for building up your social circle. Sometimes this level of comfort is achieved by simply being introduced to someone else through your social circle. When a friend introduces another friend you naturally have an inherent level of comfort as she knows who you are, which makes for the perfect pickup situation. If you can build up your social circle then you will find yourself in this enviable situation regularly (building up a social circle will be dealt with later on in the section on Intent).

The assumed comfort derived from social commonalities is not always the result of an introduction through a mutual friend; it can also be through something simple that you both have in common. For example, if two people attend an arts and crafts class twice a week they have a shared level of assumed comfort. The same applies for two people who live in the same apartment building.

Missions to achieve social commonalities

1. Agree to attend functions that you would not otherwise go to, such as those Facebook invites you’d normally fob off. Getting out there really is the best way to enlarge your social circle and maximise the number of new people you meet, thus potentially leading to more situations where you have assumed comfort with women.
2. Join a class or start an activity that interests you, such as salsa, street dance, martial arts, etc. This will immediately open up new avenues for you to meet new people, in a situation where you will have that level of assumed comfort.

Quick tip: Don’t try and force social commonalities. If they’re there use them to your advantage; if they aren’t it’s no big deal, just aim to achieve perceived comfort as opposed to assumed comfort. This has the same effect anyway.

In the next article I will move on to discussing Basic Comfort with women covering social and emotional intelligence as well as adding value.